how old is the god of the hebrews?

how old is the god of the hebrews?
he's older than me
but younger than my eye.
the millions of laws
much more than six, thirteen
they are not as real
as the child on the bus
or my image in the mirror.
jewish survival today-
a balancing act in two locales
jews and arabs, bombs and tanks
jews and goyim, pussy and money.
ideas:
monday morning quarterback,
far removed from the real action.

god existed. god exists.

actually despite the title, my feeling is god existed- of this i feel sure. god exists- this is a need, a feeling, certainly not a logical conclusion. that god existed, that carbon, hydrogen and oxygen are not sufficient to explain life, is the relevant human logical conclusion to my mind. but this does not explain god existing at this moment. there is no proof of that. but i do have a need for that.

dad breaks his wrist/ reb noach dies

dad fell and broke his wrist. i felt dizzy after the bris and attributed it to smoking, but now a few days later i discover that i have a cold and maybe this same combination of germs that made me dizzy and then turned into a cold contributed to dad's lack of balance and his fall. it certainly messes things up.

reb noach weinberg died on thursday. as his yeshiva was an up escalator taking people from secular to religious, i sometimes describe the time that i spent there as walking down the up escalator.

bris

i went to a bris today in the black part of town.
my father used his walker, so he wouldn't fall down.
my mother was complaining about a pain in her knees.
i stood on the corner and started counting by 3's.

the search for clarity. the search for a balance.

I am connected to the jewish struggle for survival.

did we emerge from the ovens with a purpose?

do we send our sons to the idf with a purpose?

deprived of all faith, what are our odds of survival?

when rituals have become meaningless, what can replace them?

have i destroyed my self? does this focus on the community indict me for forgetting the individualist? the ruthlessness of the young destroying all connection with community or faith, that's their ticket to freedom. who am i, still prisoner, to advise them how to be free?

common cause

how's rabbi meiselman? you see him? i asked.

he lives two blocks away from me. he's doing fine, rocky answered.

"he had a very quiet son, a little genius? whatever became of him?" i asked, my memory stirred.

"what if i told you he went off the derech?" rocky retorted.

instinct told me rocky was pulling my leg, probing my tender spot, my weakness, my own leaving the derech. a look into his eyes confirmed this. but i answered any way.

"it would encourage me. it would intrigue me," i answered.

he rolled his eyes.

"he's learning torah," rocky ended this line of thought.

rocky doesn't like being called rocky these days, he prefers yerachmiel. who am i to dispute this. if muhammad ali can beat floyd paterson mercilessly for calling him cassius clay instead of the name given him by the honorable elijah muhammad, why should i give rocky a tough time for prefering his Hebrew name given to him at birth? still, i call him rocky.

but the point is that particularly meiselman's son, if he had gone off the derech would be intriguing to me. where did he head? what drove him off the path? will i ever cross paths with him? can we make common cause?

and i suppose that is at the basis of this blog. to find others who have left the derech and possibly make common cause.